Tag: #weird

Confession

It’s been over a couple of years now. I wonder…

Have I missed my prime? Is this my prime? At twenty six I stand baffled at how near I am to thirty and yet haven’t accomplished my goals yet.

I would have thought that at this point I’d be living with my significant other and possibly be engaged or in something serious. Maybe children. Who knows – but needless to say I thought it was just something that happened naturally. Here I am – single, independent, semi – successful and doing me. Now my problem is how do I go about this?

“Just give it time, you’ll find someone”

“Go out more”
“Just go with it”

It’s not that I’m looking. It’s not like I want to get on tinder and go out with anyone. I just want it to be simple. Organic and natural. Many people say things like

I’m just a little sick of being single. There’s nothing wrong with it either.

The majority of my high school class / many college pals are already married or have a couple of children. Even within my own family I’m the last one without children. Maybe I’ve been feeling a little bit of the blues ..

It’s not that I dislike where I am, because I don’t. I love being independent. I love having my own space, doing my thing, doing things on my time, spending my money on me, and having a good mental relationship with myself. I have a different kind of freedom that others don’t understand.

So here I am.

I’m single. I guess I’m happy (ish) with what I’m doing in my life. I just slightly wish societies expectation and peoples timelines wouldn’t drown me in sorrows.

Lovers?

i’ve tried counting every freckle on your back. but i always get lost in the curve down your spine. if i could, i would erase every single one of them. as if each freckle was a bad memory i could take from your mind and swallow them chased with whiskey. i’d turn you back into something so pure. like a blank canvas untouched by my clumsy brush. or a blank vhs tape that isn’t filled with distant memories. you could be as pure as the blue sky over some sad midwest town. not these grey, factory clouds over new york city. i’d turn you back into the idea that there’s a universe within our bodies. rather than my smoke filled lungs and offbeat heart. but for now i’ll still try falling in love with the world through all the little things like sunsets and empty bars, heavy rain and pale sunsets, all the oxygen in my lungs and those tiny veins on the back of your eyelids.

We accept the love we think we deserve

“it means that some people think they are that worthless that they will settle for abusive love. they attract the people that treat them how they think they deserve to be treated. others may have their sense of self-worth so won’t settle for anything below what they deserve. how you view yourself is how you’re going to be treated is what it’s saying. so, if you think you deserve more for yourself, that’s what you’re going to get, but if you don’t think you’re a good person, you will settle for much less than you really do deserve. don’t depreciate yourself, because one day you’re going to find someone who will give you everything you deserve and more.”

Strangers with memories.

June 28th I said yes,

He was probably thee best boyfriend ever. I met his parents, we hanged out, we would be laughing all the time, and we would talk about anything. I really liked him. We broke up five months later due to “distance,” three weeks after the first time we had sex, the only time we had sex. And well, this is what I felt, 

“The first time she ever felt safe. She felt so much passion and let you be the one that she entirely gave to. She took it all off, let you see her bare and natural. She showed all her impurities, all the flaws, all the things she never ever told anyone, she let you become a piece of her, even if it was temporary it was something. Your bodies become one. Your bodies are pleasing but that’s only physical, its not as desirable as how the connection between the souls. I felt you, your soul, the love. I felt it. My mind keeps pushing to forget, my heart keeps wanting distractions, but at the end of the day I wish you would be sleeping next to me. I miss you, your voice, your lips, your sound, your smell.. I miss it all. How can someone give their self completely and be expected to be okay one day after another? It sucks so much knowing that you probably might not be doing the right choices, but it sucks knowing you’re having fun about it. This new chapter in your life obviously had something to do with it. The fact that i was further meant we can grow to be closer and probably even make it even more special once we did have the time to see each other. I in a very, very upset way have been trying to move forward, its almost three weeks and about two weeks that it happened and that I last spoke to you. My heart hurts, if you have at least 1% of still liking me, I want that percentage and expand it as much as I can. I really wanted to be with you, I wanted to be able to make you happy, i just wanted you. I don’t know why I feel like this. You weren’t that great I know, but you were one that made me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time. I love you, a bit too much, a bit too little.”

Now we’re just strangers with memories.